3 things no one tells you about relationships

You get to ‘hold space’ for each other

They are MEANT to show up your issues!

We judge them by all the wrong measures

Holding Space

I will never forget the first time I dated someone who ‘held space’ for me. He didn’t even know what he was doing but did it intuitively, and it was one of the most healing experiences I had ever had. Holding space is such an amazing thing to do for someone and it builds up a deep trust very quickly when you know your partner can hold you in this way.

Some of you will be familiar with this term but it basically means holding a container of time for your partner to express themselves. You take turns speaking and listening and often it helps to time it, so you both get the same amount and you know when it’s finished. The listeners job is to witness. When I work with clients we practice this- it’s so powerful.

They are MEANT to show up your issues!

When we feel safe, our psyches often decide it’s a good time to resolve that thing we’ve been subconsciously ruminating over since we were 5. They’re like, I feel amazing, this must be a good time to sort out some internal stuff. But it can feel like a shock, when we meet someone and everything is going swimmingly, and then BOOM! Something they do, or we do, seems like it is creates a massive overreaction, and we struggle to understand why the emotions around it are so intense. This is why. When we understand this - we realise it’s not a terrible sign this was never meant to be - it’s some emotional wounding from the past asking to be understood and supported. It’s an incredible opportunity for deep healing and deeper intimacy and passion. But sometimes we need a little support to really get that.

We judge them by the wrong measures!

There are 2 TERRIBLE myths that people believe about relationships. One means we tend to stay in bad relationships for too long and the other means we leave perfectly good relationships.

Finding ‘the one’. Ugh. I hate this one. It’s pervasive, but it’s impact is often the minute things get tough people start thinking, ‘maybe this isn’t “the one” after all. They do on dates and the sparks aren’t crazy and they’re like, nope, not the one. I have worked with men in their late 40s who have never had a relationship for longer than a year because none of the women turned out to be ‘the one’. Enough already.

Until death do us part. When the measure of a relationship is how long it lasts, you gotta admit this is a bit crazy. So the couple who had a wonderful 2 years together and wouldn’t swap it for anything but ended up being on different paths are a failure while the couple that quickly went downhill, stopped having sex and fought bitterly for the next 5 decades are held up and celebrated as pillars of society. It comes from a time when economically, it was a damaging for marriages to fail. So let’s leave it in the Victorian, or whatever age it dates back to, from now.

It breaks my heart to speak with so people still hurting from relationships that ended 10 years ago. Relationships in struggle. People who believe they can’t ‘do’ relationships, or will lose something they need if they get into one. 

You don’t have to have one to be happy. Your life could look all sorts of ways to be happy. But for most of us, when it comes down to it we do want someone. 

I hope this is helpful. I would love to hear your questions or thoughts if you feel called to share!

Sweet Dream Relationships Are Made Of These...

There is nothing better than being in a relationship with someone who knows what they need and want and asks for it in a way that makes you delighted to give it to them

  • Someone who loves to please you
  • Who handles conflict calmly, with respect and kindness
  • Is in touch with their emotions but doesn’t take them out on anyone
  • Is connected to their body, sensual, present and focussed
  • Someone with great energy
  • Someone who you you feel proud to be with and who brings out the best in you
  • Someone who is willing to work on your relationship and their own issues

We all want and deserve this in a partner. But here’s the kicker. Are you this person for yourself? It's easy to think that it's someone else's job to do all of this. But we attract what we put out, so if we really want this, it has to start from within.

Byron Katie says taking care of our own business is a full time job. Meaning, we have to keep at it. Most of us have learned less-than-great ways of relating to ourselves and have our good days and bad days. 

In my 10 week programs, I work with people to systematically explore all of the main psychological issues that hold us back and work with the body to create super deep and lasting change. It's sort of like emotional yoga - we use breath, movement, sound and focus to release blockages and stuck energy. The body's wisdom always guides us towards wholeness, our highest good and happiness. 

Here are 3 things you can do right away to start creating a dream relationships with yourself.

  1. Check in. At least once a day, ask yourself how you are doing. And then listen. 
  2. Do one little nice thing for yourself every single day. Whatever this means to you, it could be buying yourself a coffee, flowers, taking yourself for a walk or soothing yourself with a bath at the end of the day. 
  3. Nourish your body. Your body is on your side! It strives every day to keep you as healthy and thriving as it can. How can you work with it, listen to it and be kind to it today?

Lots of love, 

Ruth