Be Yourself, But Less Of A Dick

“Be yourself, but less of a dick”

I had to laugh watching an old episode of First Dates on a flight recently, when the guy’s mum told him to ‘just be himself, and then his dad added, ‘yes, be yourself, but less of a dick’.

His honesty was sweet, but the advice could not be less helpful, and I want to address it because this is what so many of us are told about love and relationships.

‘Just be yourself!’ People tell us.

People need to accept you for who you are, the real you is going to come out at some point anyway, there’s no point pretending to be someone else...

Here’s why this is terrible advice.

None of us are born knowing how to relate to others. Babies scream when they need something and everything from then on is something we might be intuitive about but still have to learn - including language and social skills.

You would never start a new job and have people tell you ‘just be yourself’.

‘But doing things to make people like you sounds manipulative!’ People say. ‘That’s pretending to be something you’re not.‘

But really, do you think so?

Is me giving someone a compliment to make their day better manipulative? Smiling at someone? Dressing nicely and showering? If I am in a foreign country, is practicing to say hello and thank you somehow not being myself?

No, it’s simply practicing skills for meaningful relating which is absolutely wonderful for both sides.

Here’s the other, darker side of that advice.

When we go into a situation believing that being ourselves should be enough, if something doesn’t go the way we want, we feel it must mean there’s something wrong with us.

We must be flawed or not lovable enough.

Being able to be considerate and caring of the people in your company is relating 101. And because you care about others, doing this IS being yourself. Getting good at it is too.  

So unless you have already done specific training in love and relationships (and I do not mean reading some articles or talking to friends), there is no reason you should be very good at them!

If you love life isn’t going the way you want it does not mean that there is no-one out there for you, that you’re with the wrong person, that you’re fundamentally flawed.

It means you haven’t mastered something you haven’t ever really tried to learn and surprise surprise, most of us can only get by with sheer luck for so long.

If you’ve ever had someone tell you to ‘just be yourself’ and found it completely unhelpful know you are not alone and if you want more reliable advice on all things sex, love and relationships, sign up for my newsletter or follow me on social stuff via the links below.

Not in the mood? Struggle to unwind? Too tired? Too busy? Kids awake?

Just a few reasons people tell me they stop being intimate in long term relationships.

Over the long term it can start to feel impossible to save enough energy for an active sex life. Maybe it’s become a Sunday morning special, or less often than that.

But happens is that over the long term is subtle feelings of rejection, guilt and resentment begin to brew in one or both partners. It becomes the elephant in the room that shall never be mentioned.

And it doesn’t just happen in relationships. If you’re single, neglecting your sexuality will still erode your wellbeing. Your relationship with your body and sensuality are core to confidence and self esteem and directly related to your creativity and happiness.
So what can we do?

We need to make time for a healthy sex life, just the same as we do for shopping, exercise, work projects. It’s funny that we’re happy to diarise almost everything in life, but when it comes to sex, people feel that’s too demanding or somehow not spontaneous enough.

I recommend getting those diaries out and putting in, at the minimum, one date time a week, ideally 2. Note, they don’t have to be at night! But they do need to be at least one hour of date time.

Most of us can find 2 hours a week.

One should be a sexy date, and the other should be a fun date.

On the sexy date you can do anything that feels sensual and connected. If you’re sharing it with someone, take turns being in charge of planning the date. If it’s a playdate with yourself you can follow your whim.

For the second date you can do anything you or you both will enjoy. Movies, games night, walks, socialising, or another sexy date if you both agree.  

It is up to you to show up for your dates as best you can - including for yourself!