Have you ever started a new relationship where you feel like you are finally truly seen by someone? Where it feels like you become the best version of yourself? You feel witty, charming, sexy as hell, understood, worthy - all the highest vibe things?
For a while it’s the most amazing buzz and it feels like you are partners in crime who cannot get enough of each other. But as you spend more time together and become ‘a thing’, most couples start to fall into patterns of behaviour and routines. It’s awesome!
But for a lot of us, we actually start to hide out more and start to expect our partner to meet our needs more than we get a thrill out of meeting theirs.
The first time I was asked who I was being in my relationship it stopped me in my tracks. I didn’t like the answer. I liked even less when when it went further, ‘who are you being in your sexual relationship?’
I talk to women all the time who are empowered in so many aspects of their lives, but when it comes to sex, they think they’re empowered if they get to have regular sex that includes an orgasm. This was me - I thought my sex life was great. And it wasn’t bad, but, ladies, it goes a long way beyond this!
How we do anything is how we do everything, after all.
Key here is that whatever we notice our pattern is, is to view it without any shame or guilt - we’re doing our best! This is an opportunity to see where we can expand, grow, and feel more connection and bliss, for ourselves and our partners.
“He should initiate”, “Our libido’s don’t match”, “I take too long”, “Men aren’t interested in my pleasure”, “He puts too much pressure on me”, “I’m too tired/busy”, “I’m just happy if we can just tick it off as still happening regularly...”
In my case when I reflected, I realised that had fallen into a pattern of wanting our sex life to feel deeper and more connected, but rather than share that, I would timidly initiate or hint every so often and then shut down in silent resentment when he didn’t respond the way I wanted.
I also realised, who I want to be is also what I desire in a partner:
They are fully in and adore me
They takes care of themselves - their health and their desire
They love to try new things and surprise me
They care about my pleasure and wants me to have as much as possible!
They prioritise time with me
They never miss an opportunity to let me know they love me
Was I being this person for him? Was I being this person for me? The answer on both counts was no, not very often.
Revisiting this question every so often changed the game for me. It made me up my self care, my presence and communication with him and the responsibility I take for helping us thrive as individuals and together.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this! Who are you being in your relationship?