Not in the mood? Struggle to unwind? Too tired? Too busy? Kids awake?

Just a few reasons people tell me they stop being intimate in long term relationships.

Over the long term it can start to feel impossible to save enough energy for an active sex life. Maybe it’s become a Sunday morning special, or less often than that.

But happens is that over the long term is subtle feelings of rejection, guilt and resentment begin to brew in one or both partners. It becomes the elephant in the room that shall never be mentioned.

And it doesn’t just happen in relationships. If you’re single, neglecting your sexuality will still erode your wellbeing. Your relationship with your body and sensuality are core to confidence and self esteem and directly related to your creativity and happiness.
So what can we do?

We need to make time for a healthy sex life, just the same as we do for shopping, exercise, work projects. It’s funny that we’re happy to diarise almost everything in life, but when it comes to sex, people feel that’s too demanding or somehow not spontaneous enough.

I recommend getting those diaries out and putting in, at the minimum, one date time a week, ideally 2. Note, they don’t have to be at night! But they do need to be at least one hour of date time.

Most of us can find 2 hours a week.

One should be a sexy date, and the other should be a fun date.

On the sexy date you can do anything that feels sensual and connected. If you’re sharing it with someone, take turns being in charge of planning the date. If it’s a playdate with yourself you can follow your whim.

For the second date you can do anything you or you both will enjoy. Movies, games night, walks, socialising, or another sexy date if you both agree.  

It is up to you to show up for your dates as best you can - including for yourself!

Who Are You Being In Your Relationship?

Have you ever started a new relationship where you feel like you are finally truly seen by someone? Where it feels like you become the best version of yourself? You feel witty, charming, sexy as hell, understood, worthy - all the highest vibe things?

For a while it’s the most amazing buzz and it feels like you are partners in crime who cannot get enough of each other. But as you spend more time together and become ‘a thing’, most couples start to fall into patterns of behaviour and routines. It’s awesome!

But for a lot of us, we actually start to hide out more and start to expect our partner to meet our needs more than we get a thrill out of meeting theirs.

The first time I was asked who I was being in my relationship it stopped me in my tracks. I didn’t like the answer. I liked even less when when it went further, ‘who are you being in your sexual relationship?’

I talk to women all the time who are empowered in so many aspects of their lives, but when it comes to sex, they think they’re empowered if they get to have regular sex that includes an orgasm. This was me - I thought my sex life was great. And it wasn’t bad, but, ladies, it goes a long way beyond this!

How we do anything is how we do everything, after all.

Key here is that whatever we notice our pattern is, is to view it without any shame or guilt - we’re doing our best! This is an opportunity to see where we can expand, grow, and feel more connection and bliss, for ourselves and our partners.

“He should initiate”, “Our libido’s don’t match”, “I take too long”, “Men aren’t interested in my pleasure”, “He puts too much pressure on me”, “I’m too tired/busy”, “I’m just happy if we can just tick it off as still happening regularly...”

In my case when I reflected, I realised that had fallen into a pattern of wanting our sex life to feel deeper and more connected, but rather than share that, I would timidly initiate or hint every so often and then shut down in silent resentment when he didn’t respond the way I wanted.

I also realised, who I want to be is also what I desire in a partner:

  • They are fully in and adore me

  • They takes care of themselves - their health and their desire

  • They love to try new things and surprise me

  • They care about my pleasure and wants me to have as much as possible!

  • They prioritise time with me

  • They never miss an opportunity to let me know they love me

Was I being this person for him? Was I being this person for me? The answer on both counts was no, not very often.

Revisiting this question every so often changed the game for me. It made me up my self care, my presence and communication with him and the responsibility I take for helping us thrive as individuals and together.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this! Who are you being in your relationship?